Last year, I found a lump. From September to November I went to multiple mammograms, MRIs, biopsied and lab tests. It turns out, it was benign. But, I have to go back every six months now for testing. The stress of waiting for the answer is enough to put anyone in the nut house, let alone every six months.
In February this year, my Mom attempted suicide. She is a chronic pain patient and an RN and has access to many of her own prescriptions and is a lifelong alcoholic. This caused a massive rift in our family. There were suicide notes left for us. She denies to this day doing it.
In March, my Mother in Law died of a nasty two year battle with stomach cancer.
She died at home in a hospice bed. The entire family was there including my oldest daughter who is 14 and was like a second daughter to her.
A few weeks ago, my 92 yr old grandma was found babbling on the floor , calling a picture of my uncle by another name. They are selling the house and she's moving to a nursing home.
These things along with my five year relationship with my SO and his hethan children had driven me to the brink of what I felt was overly numb, extremely broken and in need of help.
For the first time in my life, I reached out and sought help with a counselor. For me individually and also the kids.
I share this because, I didn't use to think it would help. I was not a proponent of telling a perfect stranger my problems. But. I walked in with an open mind and a goal to also address other issues and come out, Maybe not fixed, but stronger and with tools.
Tonight after seeing my counselor for three months now and feeling more stable on the death and dying issues, I finally let the floodgates open about me, my relationship with my FDH and his kids.
All I cam say is. I'm so GLAD I just let it out and didn't censor myself. I talked just like I would here.
And I have to say, telling someone real and in person all those worries, irritations and concerns , really helped take a huge weight off.
I have a long way to go. But, with the making time for three x week long walks alone ( suggested by her also ) and following thru with counseling. I'm feeling like things are getting addressed.
It's very hard work going thru all of this. But. I recommend it.
Once you get a sounding board, the negative feelings have somewhere to GO.
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